Love never existed there, only some pseudo emotion… Something like a blanket to keep us warm at night. This ‘love’ is like some veneer that made life a little more beautiful, but that cloak has been peeled away, and I see things as they are. I do thank you for wasting time with me. I’ve made it through the pain now, and as I emerge, you might suddenly think of me.
I spent some time beneath the surface of reality
I spent some time floating in a bottle
I spent some time in the dark
I spent some time alone
Now, you ask why I don’t smile?
Now, you ask why I don’t try?
Now, you want me?
Now, you are too late
I vanished beneath the surface
I drowned in a bottle
I got lost in the dark
I learned a lot from myself, when I stopped to reflect
I felt my eyes burn at the very thought of you, but now it’s been replaced by an icy glare. These are the seasons of heartache, as I close the door on what was. Criticized by you, judged by you, and in time, hated by you. Take care, I hope you find that love you were looking for in me.
I can still feel your hand on my shoulder, resting so delicately like a flower petel. I can feel your presence at my back, like sunshine casting warmth on a fall day. I can hear your voice, one of my most favorite melodies. I am drunk from our memories, engrossed by them, tortured by them.
I keep telling myself I need to tear myself away from what was, but I’m so afraid to stop writing about us. It’s the only presence that I have of you now. I just need some more time to accept this. It felt like a terrible dream, but each day it becomes increasingly real. I never let you read my many journals, I’ve kept them very secret, despite the many pages about you. But, I suppose that world I kept from you is exposed here, at least the crumbling bits that are left of it. I just wish I would’ve let you see that world in a happier time. Perhaps what it felt like to finally buy the ring. Or, how it felt to be madly in love with someone as wonderful as you. Maybe you wouldn’t have questioned my love. It’s a sunny day today, just like the day we first met.
My mind goes back to a family party at your house, one of the last ones I attended. I sat outside with the ‘Chus’ as they drank and played cards. I knew it made your dad happy, but I always wanted to be inside with you. I kept looking through the window, and my eyes always found you. My world existed in that view, all encompassed in your smile. You always made me so proud. I loved knowing that you were mine and I was yours. I loved looking at you from outside, just watching the way you moved, laughed, spoke… The scene plays in my head over and over, like a bittersweet daydream. It’s a scene that makes both my eyes water and my lips curl.
I loved to study you, to fully take in every ounce of your being. Darling, when you smiled at me, my heart fluttered like a butterfly’s wings. Your lustrous eyes exuberated love as I carefully studied every lash, every color. The proclivity I had for your lips was insatiable, my truest addiction. You must’ve grown tired of my touch, yet my thirst for yours was unquenchable.
But, I’ve lost that all now. In an instant, my world vanished, but I suppose you were slipping from my hands for some time. Rather, I couldn’t see it. Through the folly, I couldn’t see our love fading away. Looking back, had I known the last kiss would truly be the last we shared, I would’ve never let go, I would’ve happily stayed in that moment until my last breath escaped me.
I’ve reached a point of melancholy, where the sting of your absence has just become a chronic pain, not so new, not so magnified by its suddenness, yet very much there. It still hurts, but perhaps my mind has developed a higher threshold, or maybe even a depressed acceptance. We spoke over text, and you seemed quite cold in your last message. Almost as if you accepted these circumstances as well.
I’m moving on Friday, so I’ve been packing. I come across bits and pieces of you, your silly bear sweater, your gorgeous purple blouse, and your necklace I got you. I’m finding fewer strands of your hair now. You no longer have a toothbrush near the sink. I really don’t have the heart to replace the middle drawer, where your ‘jammies’ are. As I write this, the sting returns, so I think I’ll be off now.
Love is really all that matters in our evanescent experience here on earth. It’s truly the pinnacle of everything we do, because it is the most beautiful, unadulterated feeling a human is capable of. Two souls coalesced into one beautiful feeling, a deep connection. Love is something that pushes you to do things, to be selfless, to be vulnerable. Often times I reflect on love, perhaps I obsess on it. Although love seldom makes sense, it’s something I’ve always hoped I would find. It’s strange to find someone and then part from them, knowing that you both are still in love. Madness? Masochistic? Yes, any contentment in a life without the one you love would be pseudo at best, more like a sham. But, anyone that falls in love is some type of fool, and I suppose that’s alright…
I can feel my sanity slipping, every breath takes effort today. I saw you yesterday, your pretty silhouette passed me by. I hoped that you were on your way to see me, by chance… I could feel myself shatter, all my efforts to be happy nulled at the very thought of you, let alone the sight of you. For the first time in my life, I just want to sleep and never wake up. In that sleeping world, you and I are together. What once was reality has become a fantasy. I miss the taste of your lips, the way you laid your head on my chest as we slept, your funny little habits. This new reality, this one where you and I are not “us” isn’t pleasant. No, in fact it is nightmarish, dark, and cold. Colors don’t seem beautiful, food has lost its flavor, even the stars refuse to shine as bright now that we’ve parted. Jessica, I miss you.
Do you remember painting with me, love? Do you remember how lovely it was to be covered in each other’s feelings and thoughts? We spoke without words, only the soft strokes of our brushes on one another’s body. I remember tracing your curling lips with my fingertips, getting lost within your eyes. The world faded away that evening, and we were somewhere else, somewhere meant for just you and I. I’ve visited that place many times in my dreams, yet I can’t find you. I reach out, yet the only thing left of you in this place is your sweet memory. I’m both thankful and terrified by that. It’s like the poison I drink at night, both soothing and detrimental. I’ve not known a single undisturbed night since we parted, nor many sober ones. I must admit, I’m scared of life without you.
I can feel my heart being ripped from my chest and devoured by grief, and I stand there watching myself being undone. I just have to know, this was real, right? God, I want to be angry with you, I want to feel so angry and bury my heartache in rage, but my tears douse that burning desire, and I’m left cold and lonely. You breathed life into the word love, and made me realize what it meant to truly love someone. Now, just as you gave meaning to love, being without you has gave meaning to the word alone.
I love you so very much, did you know that? Why couldn’t you see that? Why didn’t you choose me? But, I suppose it must’ve been my own deficiencies…. Maybe my personal issues got in the way? Kind of like clouds blotting out the sun… I know, I’ve an exorbitant amount of issues… I’m just not good at being human… But, what really hurts is knowing I wasn’t good at being yours, at least I’m not good at it anymore…
Darling, I know we couldn’t be together in the end, but please don’t forget me. Please come see me in our special place. That place we created together….. By the time you read this, we’ll have already moved on, but I’ll still be waiting for you there…I always will