Seasons of Heartache

Love never existed there, only some pseudo emotion… Something like a blanket to keep us warm at night. This ‘love’ is like some veneer that made life a little more beautiful, but that cloak has been peeled away, and I see things as they are. I do thank you for wasting time with me. I’ve made it through the pain now, and as I emerge, you might suddenly think of me.

 

 

I spent some time beneath the surface of reality

I spent some time floating in a bottle

I spent some time in the dark

I spent some time alone

Now, you ask why I don’t smile?

Now, you ask why I don’t try?

Now, you want me?

Now, you are too late

I vanished beneath the surface

I drowned in a bottle

I got lost in the dark

I learned a lot from myself, when I stopped to reflect

I felt my eyes burn at the very thought of you, but now it’s been replaced by an icy glare. These are the seasons of heartache, as I close the door on what was. Criticized by you, judged by you, and in time, hated by you. Take care, I hope you find that love you were looking for in me.

Falling for you

There’s a feeling, it comes about suddenly, quietly, and changes your life in a moment. That moment when liking someone transitions to loving them. It happens long before you have the courage to say it, perhaps you didn’t recognize it? Or, maybe you felt frightened? But the moment the words escape your lips, it feels like a Champagne bottle being opened, releasing all the pent up tension. It kind of feels like surrendering, knees weak and tired from waltzing internally with that feeling, that feeling of love.

In the moments that follow that four letter word falling from your tongue, it’s like leaping from a plane waiting for the parachute to open. Certain that destruction awaits, not caring though. Because the pain of keeping such a burning feeling inside was too much to bear any longer. Her response seems to take an eternity. The words are said with her eyes before she can respond, and suddenly you are floating along in bliss, far above the world and all of its problems. In an instant, you live out a life with her in your mind.

I’ve never regretted love, no, not ever. But, in life, it’s easy to forget that rush you had in the beginning. When she is taking too long to do her makeup, you might forget she just wants to be pretty for you. When you worked a long week and she wants attention, because she loves you, you should remember that she just wants to be loved. Remember that she made the world seem far away when she said, “I love you too,” with her eyes. In life’s everyday mundaneness, it’s easy to forget that each moment is the only one of its kind, ever. Spending moment’s together, when you look at eternity, makes it seems a bit more important. It’s cute, really, when I think about her just wanting to be loved. That’s such an innocent request, such a pretty little thought.

I’m doing better today, because I’m smiling about happy memories. I’m finally able to remember something more than heartbreak. I’m remembering the fall, and it’s nice.

Looking at you

My mind goes back to a family party at your house, one of the last ones I attended. I sat outside with the ‘Chus’ as they drank and played cards. I knew it made your dad happy, but I always wanted to be inside with you. I kept looking through the window, and my eyes always found you. My world existed in that view, all encompassed in your smile. You always made me so proud. I loved knowing that you were mine and I was yours. I loved looking at you from outside, just watching the way you moved, laughed, spoke… The scene plays in my head over and over, like a bittersweet daydream. It’s a scene that makes both my eyes water and my lips curl.

I loved to study you, to fully take in every ounce of your being. Darling, when you smiled at me, my heart fluttered like a butterfly’s wings. Your lustrous eyes exuberated love as I carefully studied every lash, every color.  The proclivity I had for your lips was insatiable, my truest addiction. You must’ve grown tired of my touch, yet my thirst for yours was unquenchable.

But, I’ve lost that all now. In an instant, my world vanished, but I suppose you were slipping from my hands for some time. Rather, I couldn’t see it. Through the folly, I couldn’t see our love fading away. Looking back, had I known the last kiss would truly be the last we shared, I would’ve never let go, I would’ve happily stayed in that moment until my last breath escaped me.