Reflection and changes

I watched the stream flow past, I visit this place often. We used to walk there, in another time.

I went back to that place, so I could see something familiar, something in life that hadn’t changed. Yet, as I watched the water rush, I realized that the stream I thought I knew wasn’t the same. The water that flowed past was all new.

Life is ever changing, it’s in constant motion. Despite my efforts to hold back the hands of time, they continue onward.

When I think of you, I think about my reflection in the stream. I think about how things changed, how my hands could’t stop the winter winds from coming, how my legs couldn’t outrun the night. I think about how my words, my touch, and my love couldn’t stop you from leaving.

When the thought of you appears in my mind, I feel hurt by the sting of reality. I have to close my eyes and let you and those memories flow away, just like the stream.

-Dev

 

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Another dream

I thought I was feeling better, I thought I was moving past all of those memories of us, yet this morning was met with tears. I saw you in a dream, and it hurt so much. You were wearing a red shirt and we were back at the French Café, Café Des Amis. You looked at me smiling, you told me I was your best friend. It was such a simple thing to say, yet it meant so much. I held your hand, I felt a feeling that had vanished from my soul. You see, the lines between dreams and the nightmare life has become are so blurred.

The past 6 months have been the darkest valley I’ve ever had to walk through. I hate watching the seasons pass, I am angry each morning when the sun slips through my blinds. You see, you were my best friend. And now, I’m without you. This life doesn’t feel right anymore, I’m never at peace, and it’s been far too long. I should be over this, I shouldn’t be hurting still, yet there is a deep-seated sorrow that haunts me.

I’ve tried to tell myself to be happy. I told myself, if I really loved you, then I need to just let go completely and be happy for you. You see, I’m happy for you because I love you and always will. I’m pulling myself away, I’m telling myself I’m ok, but I can’t hide the truth that lies within my heart.

Today hurts, and I am feeling the weight of everything I’ve tried to forget about. The rims of my eyes are crimson red, stinging from the tears I hold back. I clench my jaw as my mind is besieged with memories of you. There is a torrent of emotions that flows deep within my soul and I’m so angry. I curse the tick of every second spent without you, each passing day, life seems so meaningless. Deep within this darkness, I am trying so hard to climb from this valley. I reach up for something, praying that God will pull me from this, yet my prayers go unanswered. I’m getting tired. I really am.

-Dev

Love’s Maze

This labyrinth torments me, as I wonder through its many turns. It’s like running through darkness, away from something lurking in the shadows. My anxiety has never been so haunting. As my eyes open in the morning, the sun slipping through the blinds, I exhale slowly. I was asked last night if I loved you, if I was hurt when it all fell apart.

The girl looked at me softly, “I feel like you did get hurt, like you loved her,” she said. The pain has yet to leave my eyes, the hurt is as much a part of me as the blood that flows through my veins. I hide away from love’s memories, I try to fill my cup with false affection. I tried to drowned the sound of your voice in my head, yet it still lingers.

It’s not pity I want, I really don’t want anything from you anymore. I suppose, I’m just terrified. My heart was filled with fear, for the first time. I just wish you didn’t deplete my heart the way you did. It’s not your fault, I don’t blame you. I just wish I was unaware of the fragility of a pained heart. I wish I could love without inhibitions again. Maybe in time, maybe when I meet the right one, the desire to love will blot out the fear. Until then, I’ll walk this maze, I’ll keep blind faith in tomorrow, and hope the destiny painted in my future is as beautiful as I dreamed it to be, in another time.

– Dev

Used to cold

Loneliness is not something I think I strived for in the past, it’s just something that happened over time. I unintentionally isolated myself for a very long time, until I met this person. They pulled me out of seclusion, introduced me to a happier world I suppose. They showed me what companionship could do for a soul.

After they left, I guess I slipped back into that secluded world. Having experienced the sun and that happy feeling of love, I suppose the darkness I used to know so well was frightening as I returned to it. That warmth I experience for a time made me realize the cold I used to walk in.

Being tossed back into solitude so quickly shook me to my core. I felt like an addict, clawing for that drug, which was that person’s presence. I feel silly now, thinking about it. I made a spectacle of myself, looking foolish.

I’ve settled back into that seclusion again. I suppose it’s not so dark. At times, I notice a lonely feeling pass me, like chilled wind in a drafty house. It comes and goes.

I’m a man with many faults and the best of intentions. I’m someone that thinks deeply of the world and the people I meet. I’m someone that appreciates the fleeting nature of every moment. I’m also someone that is scared, yet drawn to companionship.

Like a moth, trapped in fire’s light, I am drawn to that flame. That very flame that could undo me in a moment.

Dev

Pain and memories

I waltzed with you through the seasons, I loved you for many reasons.

I don’t pretend to know why you chose to say goodbye.

With all that was said, drifting through my head. I can see you still, laying in my bed.

This love was like vodka, it put me in a trance. But in the end, it was a poisonous romance.

In my brown eyes, you said many things, but I like to think about them, despite the pain it brings.

Dev

In the sea

I tried to make sense of these feelings, this nebulous plethora of pain and pleasure. To love someone, is there really anything more dangerous?

I lost myself in this sea of passion, I dove into its depths without hesitation. There was no fear that gripped my heart, only this innate, primordial instinct that pulled me to you.

I sink now, watching the surface slip away, the light, the world, you, all of these things slipping from my hands as I drift into darkness.

My heart beats, where are you, whoever you are? I need you now, it’s time for you to dive into my sea and rescue me.