Cat and yarn

My grandmother found out we were through today. I could hear her voice crack, when she whispered, “No.” I dreaded telling her, but she asked. Her sweet voice asked if I was okay, and I triumphantly responded, “of course…. Come on now?” God forbid she knew how painful it feels.

She said, “Honey, I thought she was going to be the one.” We shared a moment in silence, then she said the very best thing…. “I love you sweetheart, and I’m so proud of the man you have become.”

What’s crazy is how petrified we feel when it comes to our emotions. I share them here, yes, but only here. I’m Devon, the analyst, the fun guy, the heavy drinker, the whatever the hell label that’s been placed on me in my everyday. I love to make people laugh, their smiles are addicting. Joy in people’s faces fills my heart with happiness.

Sometimes, I slip up and say things and feelings aloud, only to be met with an awkward pat on the shoulder with an invitation to drink more, or a low key insult…… In the most friendly way, of course. I liked being with someone who accepted the fucked pieces of me. The pieces that were difficult, and there are plenty. 

Now, as she texts me, I feel like yarn to a cat, like a play thing. Her messages seem distant now, almost as if every period whispered, “suffer.” Is it intentional, perhaps not. Isn’t it funny? Love is a beautiful thing, a very dangerous, beautiful thing….

Falling for you

There’s a feeling, it comes about suddenly, quietly, and changes your life in a moment. That moment when liking someone transitions to loving them. It happens long before you have the courage to say it, perhaps you didn’t recognize it? Or, maybe you felt frightened? But the moment the words escape your lips, it feels like a Champagne bottle being opened, releasing all the pent up tension. It kind of feels like surrendering, knees weak and tired from waltzing internally with that feeling, that feeling of love.

In the moments that follow that four letter word falling from your tongue, it’s like leaping from a plane waiting for the parachute to open. Certain that destruction awaits, not caring though. Because the pain of keeping such a burning feeling inside was too much to bear any longer. Her response seems to take an eternity. The words are said with her eyes before she can respond, and suddenly you are floating along in bliss, far above the world and all of its problems. In an instant, you live out a life with her in your mind.

I’ve never regretted love, no, not ever. But, in life, it’s easy to forget that rush you had in the beginning. When she is taking too long to do her makeup, you might forget she just wants to be pretty for you. When you worked a long week and she wants attention, because she loves you, you should remember that she just wants to be loved. Remember that she made the world seem far away when she said, “I love you too,” with her eyes. In life’s everyday mundaneness, it’s easy to forget that each moment is the only one of its kind, ever. Spending moment’s together, when you look at eternity, makes it seems a bit more important. It’s cute, really, when I think about her just wanting to be loved. That’s such an innocent request, such a pretty little thought.

I’m doing better today, because I’m smiling about happy memories. I’m finally able to remember something more than heartbreak. I’m remembering the fall, and it’s nice.

Scars and monsters

Passion attracted you, passion drove you away. My many eccentricities used to charm you, and now these charming characteristics are what you call monsters. I didn’t drink much last night, just wine at the vineyard. 

When you study something or someone long enough, you’ll begin to notice flaws. But, I think that there is beauty in imperfection. Every crack or scar tells a story. They are like ripples on the water’s surface, except our stories resonate through time. Especially with you, darling. Our story, our love, will resonate throughout my life, despite you not being in it anymore. You are beautiful, every bit of you.