Seasons of Heartache

Love never existed there, only some pseudo emotion… Something like a blanket to keep us warm at night. This ‘love’ is like some veneer that made life a little more beautiful, but that cloak has been peeled away, and I see things as they are. I do thank you for wasting time with me. I’ve made it through the pain now, and as I emerge, you might suddenly think of me.

 

 

I spent some time beneath the surface of reality

I spent some time floating in a bottle

I spent some time in the dark

I spent some time alone

Now, you ask why I don’t smile?

Now, you ask why I don’t try?

Now, you want me?

Now, you are too late

I vanished beneath the surface

I drowned in a bottle

I got lost in the dark

I learned a lot from myself, when I stopped to reflect

I felt my eyes burn at the very thought of you, but now it’s been replaced by an icy glare. These are the seasons of heartache, as I close the door on what was. Criticized by you, judged by you, and in time, hated by you. Take care, I hope you find that love you were looking for in me.

Falling for you

There’s a feeling, it comes about suddenly, quietly, and changes your life in a moment. That moment when liking someone transitions to loving them. It happens long before you have the courage to say it, perhaps you didn’t recognize it? Or, maybe you felt frightened? But the moment the words escape your lips, it feels like a Champagne bottle being opened, releasing all the pent up tension. It kind of feels like surrendering, knees weak and tired from waltzing internally with that feeling, that feeling of love.

In the moments that follow that four letter word falling from your tongue, it’s like leaping from a plane waiting for the parachute to open. Certain that destruction awaits, not caring though. Because the pain of keeping such a burning feeling inside was too much to bear any longer. Her response seems to take an eternity. The words are said with her eyes before she can respond, and suddenly you are floating along in bliss, far above the world and all of its problems. In an instant, you live out a life with her in your mind.

I’ve never regretted love, no, not ever. But, in life, it’s easy to forget that rush you had in the beginning. When she is taking too long to do her makeup, you might forget she just wants to be pretty for you. When you worked a long week and she wants attention, because she loves you, you should remember that she just wants to be loved. Remember that she made the world seem far away when she said, “I love you too,” with her eyes. In life’s everyday mundaneness, it’s easy to forget that each moment is the only one of its kind, ever. Spending moment’s together, when you look at eternity, makes it seems a bit more important. It’s cute, really, when I think about her just wanting to be loved. That’s such an innocent request, such a pretty little thought.

I’m doing better today, because I’m smiling about happy memories. I’m finally able to remember something more than heartbreak. I’m remembering the fall, and it’s nice.

Journals about you

I can still feel your hand on my shoulder, resting so delicately like a flower petel. I can feel your presence at my back, like sunshine casting warmth on a fall day. I can hear your voice, one of my most favorite melodies. I am drunk from our memories, engrossed by them, tortured by them.

I keep telling myself I need to tear myself away from what was, but I’m so afraid to stop writing about us. It’s the only presence that I have of you now. I just need some more time to accept this. It felt like a terrible dream, but each day it becomes increasingly real. I never let you read my many journals, I’ve kept them very secret, despite the many pages about you. But, I suppose that world I kept from you is exposed here, at least the crumbling bits that are left of it. I just wish I would’ve let you see that world in a happier time. Perhaps what it felt like to finally buy the ring. Or, how it felt to be madly in love with someone as wonderful as you. Maybe you wouldn’t have questioned my love. It’s a sunny day today, just like the day we first met.