This labyrinth torments me, as I wonder through its many turns. It’s like running through darkness, away from something lurking in the shadows. My anxiety has never been so haunting. As my eyes open in the morning, the sun slipping through the blinds, I exhale slowly. I was asked last night if I loved you, if I was hurt when it all fell apart.
The girl looked at me softly, “I feel like you did get hurt, like you loved her,” she said. The pain has yet to leave my eyes, the hurt is as much a part of me as the blood that flows through my veins. I hide away from love’s memories, I try to fill my cup with false affection. I tried to drowned the sound of your voice in my head, yet it still lingers.
It’s not pity I want, I really don’t want anything from you anymore. I suppose, I’m just terrified. My heart was filled with fear, for the first time. I just wish you didn’t deplete my heart the way you did. It’s not your fault, I don’t blame you. I just wish I was unaware of the fragility of a pained heart. I wish I could love without inhibitions again. Maybe in time, maybe when I meet the right one, the desire to love will blot out the fear. Until then, I’ll walk this maze, I’ll keep blind faith in tomorrow, and hope the destiny painted in my future is as beautiful as I dreamed it to be, in another time.
Loneliness is not something I think I strived for in the past, it’s just something that happened over time. I unintentionally isolated myself for a very long time, until I met this person. They pulled me out of seclusion, introduced me to a happier world I suppose. They showed me what companionship could do for a soul.
After they left, I guess I slipped back into that secluded world. Having experienced the sun and that happy feeling of love, I suppose the darkness I used to know so well was frightening as I returned to it. That warmth I experience for a time made me realize the cold I used to walk in.
Being tossed back into solitude so quickly shook me to my core. I felt like an addict, clawing for that drug, which was that person’s presence. I feel silly now, thinking about it. I made a spectacle of myself, looking foolish.
I’ve settled back into that seclusion again. I suppose it’s not so dark. At times, I notice a lonely feeling pass me, like chilled wind in a drafty house. It comes and goes.
I’m a man with many faults and the best of intentions. I’m someone that thinks deeply of the world and the people I meet. I’m someone that appreciates the fleeting nature of every moment. I’m also someone that is scared, yet drawn to companionship.
Like a moth, trapped in fire’s light, I am drawn to that flame. That very flame that could undo me in a moment.
I waltzed with you through the seasons, I loved you for many reasons.
I don’t pretend to know why you chose to say goodbye.
With all that was said, drifting through my head. I can see you still, laying in my bed.
This love was like vodka, it put me in a trance. But in the end, it was a poisonous romance.
In my brown eyes, you said many things, but I like to think about them, despite the pain it brings.
If your love was a ruse, then deceive me more. But whatever you do, don’t shut the door.
I tried to make sense of these feelings, this nebulous plethora of pain and pleasure. To love someone, is there really anything more dangerous?
I lost myself in this sea of passion, I dove into its depths without hesitation. There was no fear that gripped my heart, only this innate, primordial instinct that pulled me to you.
I sink now, watching the surface slip away, the light, the world, you, all of these things slipping from my hands as I drift into darkness.
My heart beats, where are you, whoever you are? I need you now, it’s time for you to dive into my sea and rescue me.
I wonder sometimes, do you ever think of me? Do you ever smile when you think about me cuddling you? I wonder these things, because swimming in an ocean of memories all alone hurts far more than knowing we both take swim from time to time.