Seasons of Heartache

Love never existed there, only some pseudo emotion… Something like a blanket to keep us warm at night. This ‘love’ is like some veneer that made life a little more beautiful, but that cloak has been peeled away, and I see things as they are. I do thank you for wasting time with me. I’ve made it through the pain now, and as I emerge, you might suddenly think of me.

 

 

I spent some time beneath the surface of reality

I spent some time floating in a bottle

I spent some time in the dark

I spent some time alone

Now, you ask why I don’t smile?

Now, you ask why I don’t try?

Now, you want me?

Now, you are too late

I vanished beneath the surface

I drowned in a bottle

I got lost in the dark

I learned a lot from myself, when I stopped to reflect

I felt my eyes burn at the very thought of you, but now it’s been replaced by an icy glare. These are the seasons of heartache, as I close the door on what was. Criticized by you, judged by you, and in time, hated by you. Take care, I hope you find that love you were looking for in me.

Cat and yarn

My grandmother found out we were through today. I could hear her voice crack, when she whispered, “No.” I dreaded telling her, but she asked. Her sweet voice asked if I was okay, and I triumphantly responded, “of course…. Come on now?” God forbid she knew how painful it feels.

She said, “Honey, I thought she was going to be the one.” We shared a moment in silence, then she said the very best thing…. “I love you sweetheart, and I’m so proud of the man you have become.”

What’s crazy is how petrified we feel when it comes to our emotions. I share them here, yes, but only here. I’m Devon, the analyst, the fun guy, the heavy drinker, the whatever the hell label that’s been placed on me in my everyday. I love to make people laugh, their smiles are addicting. Joy in people’s faces fills my heart with happiness.

Sometimes, I slip up and say things and feelings aloud, only to be met with an awkward pat on the shoulder with an invitation to drink more, or a low key insult…… In the most friendly way, of course. I liked being with someone who accepted the fucked pieces of me. The pieces that were difficult, and there are plenty. 

Now, as she texts me, I feel like yarn to a cat, like a play thing. Her messages seem distant now, almost as if every period whispered, “suffer.” Is it intentional, perhaps not. Isn’t it funny? Love is a beautiful thing, a very dangerous, beautiful thing….

Looking at you

My mind goes back to a family party at your house, one of the last ones I attended. I sat outside with the ‘Chus’ as they drank and played cards. I knew it made your dad happy, but I always wanted to be inside with you. I kept looking through the window, and my eyes always found you. My world existed in that view, all encompassed in your smile. You always made me so proud. I loved knowing that you were mine and I was yours. I loved looking at you from outside, just watching the way you moved, laughed, spoke… The scene plays in my head over and over, like a bittersweet daydream. It’s a scene that makes both my eyes water and my lips curl.

I loved to study you, to fully take in every ounce of your being. Darling, when you smiled at me, my heart fluttered like a butterfly’s wings. Your lustrous eyes exuberated love as I carefully studied every lash, every color.  The proclivity I had for your lips was insatiable, my truest addiction. You must’ve grown tired of my touch, yet my thirst for yours was unquenchable.

But, I’ve lost that all now. In an instant, my world vanished, but I suppose you were slipping from my hands for some time. Rather, I couldn’t see it. Through the folly, I couldn’t see our love fading away. Looking back, had I known the last kiss would truly be the last we shared, I would’ve never let go, I would’ve happily stayed in that moment until my last breath escaped me.

Pieces of you

I’ve reached a point of melancholy, where the sting of your absence has just become a chronic pain, not so new, not so magnified by its suddenness, yet very much there. It still hurts, but perhaps my mind has developed a higher threshold, or maybe even a depressed acceptance. We spoke over text, and you seemed quite cold in your last message. Almost as if you accepted these circumstances as well.

I’m moving on Friday, so I’ve been packing. I come across bits and pieces of you, your silly bear sweater, your gorgeous purple blouse, and your necklace I got you. I’m finding fewer strands of your hair now. You no longer have a toothbrush near the sink. I really don’t have the heart to replace the middle drawer, where your ‘jammies’ are. As I write this, the sting returns, so I think I’ll be off now.

Love, a fool’s game

Love is really all that matters in our evanescent experience here on earth. It’s truly the pinnacle of everything we do, because it is the most beautiful, unadulterated feeling a human is capable of. Two souls coalesced into one beautiful feeling, a deep connection. Love is something that pushes you to do things, to be selfless, to be vulnerable. Often times I reflect on love, perhaps I obsess on it. Although love seldom makes sense, it’s something I’ve always hoped I would find. It’s strange to find someone and then part from them, knowing that you both are still in love. Madness? Masochistic? Yes, any contentment in a life without the one you love would be pseudo at best, more like a sham. But, anyone that falls in love is some type of fool, and I suppose that’s alright…

You passed me by

I can feel my sanity slipping, every breath takes effort today. I saw you yesterday, your pretty silhouette passed me by. I hoped that you were on your way to see me, by chance… I could feel myself shatter, all my efforts to be happy nulled at the very thought of you, let alone the sight of you. For the first time in my life, I just want to sleep and never wake up. In that sleeping world, you and I are together. What once was reality has become a fantasy. I miss the taste of your lips, the way you laid your head on my chest as we slept, your funny little habits. This new reality, this one where you and I are not “us” isn’t pleasant. No, in fact it is nightmarish, dark, and cold. Colors don’t seem beautiful, food has lost its flavor, even the stars refuse to shine as bright now that we’ve parted. Jessica, I miss you.

Painting together

Do you remember painting with me, love? Do you remember how lovely it was to be covered in each other’s feelings and thoughts? We spoke without words, only the soft strokes of our brushes on one another’s body. I remember tracing your curling lips with my fingertips, getting lost within your eyes. The world faded away that evening, and we were somewhere else, somewhere meant for just you and I. I’ve visited that place many times in my dreams, yet I can’t find you. I reach out, yet the only thing left of you in this place is your sweet memory. I’m both thankful and terrified by that. It’s like the poison I drink at night, both soothing and detrimental. I’ve not known a single undisturbed night since we parted, nor many sober ones. I must admit, I’m scared of life without you.

I can feel my heart being ripped from my chest and devoured by grief, and I stand there watching myself being undone. I just have to know, this was real, right? God, I want to be angry with you, I want to feel so angry and bury my heartache in rage, but my tears douse that burning desire, and I’m left cold and lonely. You breathed life into the word love, and made me realize what it meant to truly love someone. Now, just as you gave meaning to love, being without you has gave meaning to the word alone.

I love you so very much, did you know that? Why couldn’t you see that? Why didn’t you choose me? But, I suppose it must’ve been my own deficiencies…. Maybe my personal issues got in the way? Kind of like clouds blotting out the sun… I know, I’ve an exorbitant amount of issues… I’m just not good at being human… But, what really hurts is knowing I wasn’t good at being yours, at least I’m not good at it anymore…

Darling, I know we couldn’t be together in the end, but please don’t forget me. Please come see me in our special place. That place we created together….. By the time you read this, we’ll have already moved on, but I’ll still be waiting for you there…I always will