I want to put on a smile, I want to show you and the world that I’m strong, that I’m a real man, undaunted by you or anything that happened in my past. I want to prove that my life didn’t end because you left.
But, I find it hard to hide my feelings, I find it hard to be ashamed of my pain. Because that pain is a part of me, it’s a part of my life right now. To be ashamed of being hurt would be the same as being ashamed of myself.
Some days hurt more than others, today being one of them. Dreams, damn it, you haunt me in my dreams. Where can I hide from you? Where can I go, and hide away from you for a bit?
Everyone I have ever loved betrayed me. Everyone. You said you would never leave, when I asked you once. Mom, Dad, Grandma, ex’s, you, all of you have betrayed me. How much of my heart do I have left? Because I’m growing tired of that pain. Every betrayal has echoed in my heart over the years, and they have been present in my mind, always there whispering in my ear.
When I was a boy, I remember wishing I would die so that maybe then my family would miss me, maybe then they would be sorry. Although I couldn’t experience it, I was content in knowing that in death, I would have finally had that love I wanted so desperately. A little boy thinking this, looking out his window, all alone.
I just wanted something pure for once. I just wanted to be loved. I wanted to love without fear. For once, I just wanted to see my happy ending arrive.
Accepting you’re gone is one thing, but knowing how it all ended is what I struggle with. Knowing the coldness, after experiencing your warmth over the years. Who can I trust? Now, you tell me, who out there can I trust? How will they get through this barrier I’ve put up? There is no counseling that will remove that innate pain, because it’s real. It’s there. It’s as much a part of me as my soul.