Pieces of you

I’ve reached a point of melancholy, where the sting of your absence has just become a chronic pain, not so new, not so magnified by its suddenness, yet very much there. It still hurts, but perhaps my mind has developed a higher threshold, or maybe even a depressed acceptance. We spoke over text, and you seemed quite cold in your last message. Almost as if you accepted these circumstances as well.

I’m moving on Friday, so I’ve been packing. I come across bits and pieces of you, your silly bear sweater, your gorgeous purple blouse, and your necklace I got you. I’m finding fewer strands of your hair now. You no longer have a toothbrush near the sink. I really don’t have the heart to replace the middle drawer, where your ‘jammies’ are. As I write this, the sting returns, so I think I’ll be off now.

Love, a fool’s game

Love is really all that matters in our evanescent experience here on earth. It’s truly the pinnacle of everything we do, because it is the most beautiful, unadulterated feeling a human is capable of. Two souls coalesced into one beautiful feeling, a deep connection. Love is something that pushes you to do things, to be selfless, to be vulnerable. Often times I reflect on love, perhaps I obsess on it. Although love seldom makes sense, it’s something I’ve always hoped I would find. It’s strange to find someone and then part from them, knowing that you both are still in love. Madness? Masochistic? Yes, any contentment in a life without the one you love would be pseudo at best, more like a sham. But, anyone that falls in love is some type of fool, and I suppose that’s alright…

You passed me by

I can feel my sanity slipping, every breath takes effort today. I saw you yesterday, your pretty silhouette passed me by. I hoped that you were on your way to see me, by chance… I could feel myself shatter, all my efforts to be happy nulled at the very thought of you, let alone the sight of you. For the first time in my life, I just want to sleep and never wake up. In that sleeping world, you and I are together. What once was reality has become a fantasy. I miss the taste of your lips, the way you laid your head on my chest as we slept, your funny little habits. This new reality, this one where you and I are not “us” isn’t pleasant. No, in fact it is nightmarish, dark, and cold. Colors don’t seem beautiful, food has lost its flavor, even the stars refuse to shine as bright now that we’ve parted. Jessica, I miss you.

Painting together

Do you remember painting with me, love? Do you remember how lovely it was to be covered in each other’s feelings and thoughts? We spoke without words, only the soft strokes of our brushes on one another’s body. I remember tracing your curling lips with my fingertips, getting lost within your eyes. The world faded away that evening, and we were somewhere else, somewhere meant for just you and I. I’ve visited that place many times in my dreams, yet I can’t find you. I reach out, yet the only thing left of you in this place is your sweet memory. I’m both thankful and terrified by that. It’s like the poison I drink at night, both soothing and detrimental. I’ve not known a single undisturbed night since we parted, nor many sober ones. I must admit, I’m scared of life without you.

I can feel my heart being ripped from my chest and devoured by grief, and I stand there watching myself being undone. I just have to know, this was real, right? God, I want to be angry with you, I want to feel so angry and bury my heartache in rage, but my tears douse that burning desire, and I’m left cold and lonely. You breathed life into the word love, and made me realize what it meant to truly love someone. Now, just as you gave meaning to love, being without you has gave meaning to the word alone.

I love you so very much, did you know that? Why couldn’t you see that? Why didn’t you choose me? But, I suppose it must’ve been my own deficiencies…. Maybe my personal issues got in the way? Kind of like clouds blotting out the sun… I know, I’ve an exorbitant amount of issues… I’m just not good at being human… But, what really hurts is knowing I wasn’t good at being yours, at least I’m not good at it anymore…

Darling, I know we couldn’t be together in the end, but please don’t forget me. Please come see me in our special place. That place we created together….. By the time you read this, we’ll have already moved on, but I’ll still be waiting for you there…I always will

Time without you

Days are blurred without you. It was as if time was measured by the moments spent with you, kisses, and glasses of wine. Now, days are measured by your absence. I’m working on being happier, but mornings and evenings are still quite hard for me. It’s those moments that I can’t escape my mind. Haunted by memories of what was, hurt by what could’ve been. Sometimes I really wonder how my heart beats without you.

Pictures of you

Your pictures still sit upon my shelf, and I pass them every morning. They are visual manifestations of our happy memories, that you and I once shared a love. There is a photo that I love especially, one of us on vacation. Your smile radiates absolute brilliance, your eyes so inviting. For a brief moment, I’m taken back, and I forget about the pain. Then, I’m met once again with reality. I relive heartbreak over and over. When I go home today, I’m putting our pictures in our blue box. I miss you…

When we were in love

Do you know, love, how much I love you?

I’ve fallen into your sea, and always and ever shall I be.
Within your embrace, my heart beats with haste.
My love, all of my life wouldn’t be enough time to love you.
There shall never be enough times to hold you, to touch you, to see your smile.
Not enough good mornings, goodnights, I love yous
The sun will grow jealous of my love, and set upon my days
My heart beats but a finite amount of times, yet my love is forever
But, for every beat I have left, my heart shall beat for you.
I love you, darling. I’ve found my forever, and it’s you.