Seasons of Heartache

Love never existed there, only some pseudo emotion… Something like a blanket to keep us warm at night. This ‘love’ is like some veneer that made life a little more beautiful, but that cloak has been peeled away, and I see things as they are. I do thank you for wasting time with me. I’ve made it through the pain now, and as I emerge, you might suddenly think of me.

 

 

I spent some time beneath the surface of reality

I spent some time floating in a bottle

I spent some time in the dark

I spent some time alone

Now, you ask why I don’t smile?

Now, you ask why I don’t try?

Now, you want me?

Now, you are too late

I vanished beneath the surface

I drowned in a bottle

I got lost in the dark

I learned a lot from myself, when I stopped to reflect

I felt my eyes burn at the very thought of you, but now it’s been replaced by an icy glare. These are the seasons of heartache, as I close the door on what was. Criticized by you, judged by you, and in time, hated by you. Take care, I hope you find that love you were looking for in me.

Cat and yarn

My grandmother found out we were through today. I could hear her voice crack, when she whispered, “No.” I dreaded telling her, but she asked. Her sweet voice asked if I was okay, and I triumphantly responded, “of course…. Come on now?” God forbid she knew how painful it feels.

She said, “Honey, I thought she was going to be the one.” We shared a moment in silence, then she said the very best thing…. “I love you sweetheart, and I’m so proud of the man you have become.”

What’s crazy is how petrified we feel when it comes to our emotions. I share them here, yes, but only here. I’m Devon, the analyst, the fun guy, the heavy drinker, the whatever the hell label that’s been placed on me in my everyday. I love to make people laugh, their smiles are addicting. Joy in people’s faces fills my heart with happiness.

Sometimes, I slip up and say things and feelings aloud, only to be met with an awkward pat on the shoulder with an invitation to drink more, or a low key insult…… In the most friendly way, of course. I liked being with someone who accepted the fucked pieces of me. The pieces that were difficult, and there are plenty. 

Now, as she texts me, I feel like yarn to a cat, like a play thing. Her messages seem distant now, almost as if every period whispered, “suffer.” Is it intentional, perhaps not. Isn’t it funny? Love is a beautiful thing, a very dangerous, beautiful thing….

Pretty lies

A cool feeling slips down my throat. It’s that feeling when the pendulum of desire has faltered too greatly out of order. When a lover, like a bull fighter, hides blades beneath their cloak of secrets.

In innocent words, truth is discovered. The ability to see the truth despite whatever distortion is present is both a gift and curse for some.

My eyes grow dark, lips thirst greatly for a drink. I wish it was winter, then I wouldn’t be the only one feeling cold.

Falling for you

There’s a feeling, it comes about suddenly, quietly, and changes your life in a moment. That moment when liking someone transitions to loving them. It happens long before you have the courage to say it, perhaps you didn’t recognize it? Or, maybe you felt frightened? But the moment the words escape your lips, it feels like a Champagne bottle being opened, releasing all the pent up tension. It kind of feels like surrendering, knees weak and tired from waltzing internally with that feeling, that feeling of love.

In the moments that follow that four letter word falling from your tongue, it’s like leaping from a plane waiting for the parachute to open. Certain that destruction awaits, not caring though. Because the pain of keeping such a burning feeling inside was too much to bear any longer. Her response seems to take an eternity. The words are said with her eyes before she can respond, and suddenly you are floating along in bliss, far above the world and all of its problems. In an instant, you live out a life with her in your mind.

I’ve never regretted love, no, not ever. But, in life, it’s easy to forget that rush you had in the beginning. When she is taking too long to do her makeup, you might forget she just wants to be pretty for you. When you worked a long week and she wants attention, because she loves you, you should remember that she just wants to be loved. Remember that she made the world seem far away when she said, “I love you too,” with her eyes. In life’s everyday mundaneness, it’s easy to forget that each moment is the only one of its kind, ever. Spending moment’s together, when you look at eternity, makes it seems a bit more important. It’s cute, really, when I think about her just wanting to be loved. That’s such an innocent request, such a pretty little thought.

I’m doing better today, because I’m smiling about happy memories. I’m finally able to remember something more than heartbreak. I’m remembering the fall, and it’s nice.

Journals about you

I can still feel your hand on my shoulder, resting so delicately like a flower petel. I can feel your presence at my back, like sunshine casting warmth on a fall day. I can hear your voice, one of my most favorite melodies. I am drunk from our memories, engrossed by them, tortured by them.

I keep telling myself I need to tear myself away from what was, but I’m so afraid to stop writing about us. It’s the only presence that I have of you now. I just need some more time to accept this. It felt like a terrible dream, but each day it becomes increasingly real. I never let you read my many journals, I’ve kept them very secret, despite the many pages about you. But, I suppose that world I kept from you is exposed here, at least the crumbling bits that are left of it. I just wish I would’ve let you see that world in a happier time. Perhaps what it felt like to finally buy the ring. Or, how it felt to be madly in love with someone as wonderful as you. Maybe you wouldn’t have questioned my love. It’s a sunny day today, just like the day we first met.

Scars and monsters

Passion attracted you, passion drove you away. My many eccentricities used to charm you, and now these charming characteristics are what you call monsters. I didn’t drink much last night, just wine at the vineyard. 

When you study something or someone long enough, you’ll begin to notice flaws. But, I think that there is beauty in imperfection. Every crack or scar tells a story. They are like ripples on the water’s surface, except our stories resonate through time. Especially with you, darling. Our story, our love, will resonate throughout my life, despite you not being in it anymore. You are beautiful, every bit of you.

Looking at you

My mind goes back to a family party at your house, one of the last ones I attended. I sat outside with the ‘Chus’ as they drank and played cards. I knew it made your dad happy, but I always wanted to be inside with you. I kept looking through the window, and my eyes always found you. My world existed in that view, all encompassed in your smile. You always made me so proud. I loved knowing that you were mine and I was yours. I loved looking at you from outside, just watching the way you moved, laughed, spoke… The scene plays in my head over and over, like a bittersweet daydream. It’s a scene that makes both my eyes water and my lips curl.

I loved to study you, to fully take in every ounce of your being. Darling, when you smiled at me, my heart fluttered like a butterfly’s wings. Your lustrous eyes exuberated love as I carefully studied every lash, every color.  The proclivity I had for your lips was insatiable, my truest addiction. You must’ve grown tired of my touch, yet my thirst for yours was unquenchable.

But, I’ve lost that all now. In an instant, my world vanished, but I suppose you were slipping from my hands for some time. Rather, I couldn’t see it. Through the folly, I couldn’t see our love fading away. Looking back, had I known the last kiss would truly be the last we shared, I would’ve never let go, I would’ve happily stayed in that moment until my last breath escaped me.